Did you know all of these facts? I didn't.

Watch and learn and then spread the truth-pandemic.
Maybe you didn't know all of these facts either.

Thanks to Angel, for sharing this great link.

Barbie is resourceful

When I was a girl, I was a Barbie-playing girl.

I remember that my biggest needs in life were for more Barbie outfits and, especially, for a Barbie dreamhouse.  My mom didn't happen to agree.

Interestingly enough, Barbie is a resourceful gal.

So, instead of the pre-packaged dreamhouse, Barbie had to make something out of nothing.

What that meant was: Barbie somehow "lived in a trash dump" and she did what she had to do - she worked hard and stayed focused - to get her dream.

She had to weed through all of the useless things of my bedroom to come up with a fabulous pad.
Which she did.

And with a necklace jewelry box for a bed, a small soft ball for a posh and fluffy chair, a thimble or two for glassware, and a sash made out of a rubberband - that said "Miss. New Jersey," Barbie made her own way in the world.

She had that dreamhouse.
that dreamy Ken.
that Miss NJ sash.

She set her sights on what she wanted, and she was willing to set aside her pride and do her best.


I have not stopped thinking about the fact that:
the very moment the rug got pulled out from under us,

I though of my Barbie.

One

As a mom, I always feel that there is more to be done.

more I could be doing.

more I should be doing.

My lists need lists.

I try to prioritize... to map out my time so that I do not squander away any of my minutes.

and yet so much is left undone.

and then there is my ministry....

the things that God would have me doing.

and what would that be, pray-tell?

am I the only mom who finds the sheer service to her children to be all-encompassing of every last ounce of energy? Funny how when I look around, people seem to be getting so much more done than I...

serving so many others....

So, I keep taking my inadequacy before our Lord.

and lately, he keeps whispering to me:

"one.

just one."

One person at a time.

One conversation at a time.

One encouragement at a time.

One hug at a time.

One investment.

One life.

I cannot see the forrest for the trees. There are so many things I should do. So many ways I should serve. So much more I should give. So many lives I could be helping. I could do better. I could be doing more. I could do more..................

and yet,

the word and the voice does not go away:

God whispers, "one."

Well. It finally happened.

Remember this post {click here for "hiding the uglies: dish soap"}
with this great idea???:
Notice any similarities between my soap bottle and my olive oil bottle???? {Folks. It has been like this at my house for years....like, ten}:

Well.
It finally happened:

********
And here lies an entire pasta salad,
covered in soap:

An Old Love.

Lately, I have been aching to reunite with an old love.

Especially while I am trapped indoors on cold winter days, I long to curl up next to a fire with a hot cup of tea and rekindle an old flame:

aren't they enticing?

But the excuses are many. The time is short. The interference is at an all time high.
and I miss this quiet love that has been mine since I was 8.

To rekindle this love has been on my list of New Year's Resolutions for 5 years now. And I have picked up my brushes a time or two... But not nearly enough..........

I miss this old love. It is a part of me. Maybe this year........

for more Winter inspiration, visit The Inspired Room.

Help me to Treasure them.

I am not going to mince words. It has been a rough week.
Nothing tragic.
Just a really, really, really trying week with the kids.
Yesterday found me FACE DOWN on the hardwoods {more than once}, begging God to teach me how to treasure my children.

I begged over and again, like a crazed meditation:
"Dear God. Help me to treasure them. Help me."

Because right now, I just want to walk away.
I won't.
But I want to.

Maybe I was not cut out for this mommy-ing stuff.
Oh, dear God.
Help me to Treasure them.

"Love them. As I have loved you........"
I will try, Lord. help me.


Thank you to my precious honey, who arrived home early{!!!} on Tuesday with dinner, flowers {see their gorgeousness above}, and then whisked the boys off to the "tractor store" (Lowe's) until bedtime.
I love you.

Tantrum.

Any other moms out there that giggle at their children, and then run for the camera as their child sprawls out on the floor to give their best all-out fit???

just wondering.

We cannot underestimate Truth.

Whew. I have had a whirlwind of a week, and I am just now sitting down to post about our final chapter....

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Lelia and Lisa for guiding us through this study.

If you have never done an online bible study before, you really must! I cannot tell you enough about how wonderful it was to do a study in this format. Because I had to recap each chapter, in an intelligable way, through a post, God's messages to me were driven home in a clear and fresh new way. He spoke so clearly to me as I pondered what God's Word was trying to teach each week. It was wonderful to post about the concrete ways in which He was transforming my heart, and even more wonderful to share that journey with fellow sojourners who I have never even met! I just loved doing this study. Click here to find out more about the next "Yes to God" bible study. Won't you join us??

And now,

I just don't know where to begin telling you about the last chapter of "Behind Those Eyes," Chapter ten - The Truth Heals. Lisa summed up the heart of her book sooooo beautifully. I just don't feel compelled to give you the Cliff's Notes. So, instead, I will encourage you to read this book. It has blessed my life.

If you struggle with being real, honest, authentic, I encourage you to read this book.

If you struggle with saying no when you should have, or standing up for yourself when appropriate, I encourage you to read this book.

If you think that the truth only burns and hurts, I encourage you to read this book.

If you are trying to do it all, and be perfect, I encourage you to read this book.

If you struggle with accepting yourself just as God made you, I encourage you to read this book.

If you struggle with trying to be Ms. Perfection, Ms. Confidence, Ms. Happiness, Ms. Spirituality, be set free! These ladies are fakers. And, I think these pesky ladies deserve to be called-out on their bluffs again:

"Ms. Perfection is a lie.We can never be her.... and trying to be
her is robbing us of the beauty of resting in He who is perfect.

Ms. Confidence is a lie.We can never sustain our own
well-being, world, family, career, etc. etc.... and trying to be her robs us of depth in our friendships, and a rooted dependence on God alone.

Ms. Happiness is a lie.We can never be her - not for long
anyway... and we were never meant to. Trying to be her keeps us buried in an unattainable goal, and keeps our eyes off of eternity.

Ms. Spirituality is a lie.We can never be a perfect
Christian... but only by dying to self, and to our pride, and to thinking that we have the magic formula of doing things 'just-right', can we accept that it is only by Christ, through grace, that makes us worthy at all."

But, yes. And the biggest meat is in the last chapter.

The Truth Heals.

The Way, the Truth, the Life. It is He who enables us to be Real. It is He who frees us from big, fat Lies. It is He who knows truth, shows truth, is Truth - and He longs to share it with us. He longs for us to reflect His truth, by being honest and authentic with others. He longs for us to accept that He made us this way... to be who we ACTUALLY are.... for a reason. His reason.

Authentic.

Everyone eventually figures out the fake.

Why not live in Truth?

I can't go on until I talk to you about Ms. Spirituality

"With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

O.K. bible study friends. I am having a super hard time writing this post. And I know I am a week behind... but that is because I did not know where to begin. But I cannot move forward until I deal with this.

I have been chewing this in my mind... a lot! Chapter five in our study "Behind Those Eyes" by Lisa Whittle has me dead in the water. Ms. Spirituality... Ms. "Faux Spirituality"... has me all up in a tizzy.

And, to be honest, I can't stop thinking about her.

But it is maybe not in the way you think.

I have sooo many thoughts, and I would just love to blurt them all out, but instead: Jesus is whispering to me to calm down, and instead, record the very questions that He has been asking me to ask myself. So, I will try to be faithful to that task.

First, let me introduce you to Ms. Spirituality: Lisa writes, "...being spiritual is a full time job to Ms. Spirituality. She works hard at it, and she takes her job very seriously. Now don't get me wrong, some of the things that Ms. Spirituality does are worthy causes and are certainly pleasing to God. The point is not that Ms. Spirituality does these things, rather, why she does these things. Remember, it's all in the performance, not in the act itself. It's a role that is played when it is deemed necessary to impress someone, yet it holds no real depth whatsoever."

and,"we must remember that the goal of Ms. Spirituality is how her spiritual self looks to others, not how it may actually be."

O.K. Here goes...

Before I share my heart. Please know... I am not good at beating around the bush. Please forgive me for that. Also, please know, that I do not believe that this is where Lisa was going with this chapter... but nuggets of it fired up these thoughts in me. Lisa continues to do a wonderful job exhorting us to draw closer to God, be authentic to OURSELVES, and not concern ourselves with others judgements... just God's.

In general, this chapter made me fired up. It pushed a button that has been a pesky and sad one to me, and it is one that God has been really showing me a lot lately. And the button is this:

While Lisa was encouraging us to examine the Ms. Spirituality we might find in ourselves.... this chapter sparked a reminder in me of something that has been bothering me within our own Christian community. I fear that we are plagued with full-on judging of other's spiritual salvation... It is as we are caught in the trap of examining the question: "Are they Christian enough???"

As Christians in America, we are knee-deep in a "clique" mentality: We are convinced we can determine who is saved, and who is not. We are just itching to decide who is IN and who is OUT. And it is NOT our job. It is NOT our job. It belongs to God, and God alone to decide who is IN and who is OUT! Our job description can be found in Matthew 28-20. Yet, Somehow... we have made a profession out of deciding who is IN with God, and who is OUT with God. We seem to think we have other people's hearts all figured out, and we just know their "fruit."

I am going to proceed with the rest of this post in question format, because I too have been, and continue to be caught guilty of playing the Pharisetical role. So, here are some questions, bizarre but true, that God has been poking me with:

-There is no formula for being "saved." Am I acting like there is one?

-Am I acting like I know someone's heart for God? Because I don't. No matter what.

-Do I believe that, in order to be a true Christian, someone has to belong to a certain political party?

-Do I believe that most people in traditional churches do not have a heart for God?

-Do I believe that Ms. Spirituality holds "no real depth whatsoever?" How on earth would I know what she cries out to God at night??

-Do I believe that I can tell if someone is "saved" by his/her "fruit"? Is it possible, that since I am not God, I am not interpreting this "fruit" correctly/fully/with the whole story?

-Do I harbor hatred toward unbelievers? Athiests? Democrats? Republicans?(yes, I went there.)

-Do I believe that people who were baptised as babies, go to church every Sunday, and then don't talk about God all week are unsaved? It is one thing to exhort their relationship with God... it is another to judge their eternal place in heaven...

-Could it be possible, that the little old lady who comes to a traditional church, every Sunday, dressed to the nines, pursed lips, hates those 'big screens', loves only the old hymns, and is kinda cantankerous.... could it be possible that she LOVES Jesus Christ?

-Do you think you know who is IN and who is OUT??

Oh, Lord, have mercy on me.

Lisa shares a quote from Erwin McManus, and this part stood out to me: "It's easier to run a religion if you can standardize everything, including the people. Religion, after all, has become one of history's most powerful tools for controlling people."

Sad, but true, Jesus never meant it this way...

Sometimes, however, I fear that in our efforts to avoid this 'powerful tool for controlling people'- called Religion, we have swung the pendulum too far the other way....deeming all "religious" people as hiding behind a "stained-glass masquerade":

When I first heard the song by Casting Crowns, "Stained Glass Masquerade," it infuriated me. Yes. That is right. It made me so mad I could spit. .."Religion" is NOT a four letter word, people!!!! All I can think is this:

"With friends like this, who needs enemies?"

I have never actually met a "shiny, plastic person" who hides in a "stained-glass masquerade." I have never actually met "Ms. Spirituality". Why???? Because I don't really know who anyone truly is on the inside. Only God does... Only God knows the heart.

Folks, if we continue to judge, talk nasty about, pigeon-hole, and belittle the people who sit in the stained glass pews.... we are injuring our own team. Will we even need an enemy? Are we willing to build-up the people on our own team?? Are we one body in Christ? Or are we a high school clique??????????

The choice is ours

Am I IN or am I OUT?

Jesus knows.

against my better judgement, I am going to click "publish post" now.

Ms. Happiness and mud pies

This is the fourth week of the online bible study, Yes to God; studying the book "Behind Those Eyes," by Lisa Whittle. If you are not yet doing the study, and want to join in, click here. Even so, if you are wondering if you might be struggling with Ms. Happiness... read on....




Oh, Ms. Happiness. You and I have got some stuff we have to work out.....

First of all, Ms. Happiness, let us get this one thing clear. You are, for the most part, a lie! Yes, just like Ms. Confidence, and Ms. Perfection. Lies. Lies. Lies. Somehow, I knew it all along

And yet...

I still long for Happy...
I guess I had better figure out where you are.....

This week was sooo good. And heart wrenching, really. You see, I really think that deep down we all hope that we can be happy on this side of heaven. And while I think we catch moments, glimpses, and tastes of this Ms. Happiness... she is really only dropping by to remind us that there is Something bigger. Something better.

But this chapter was so very wonderful for me, because it concluded what I think we all actually know. Happiness, as an achievable state, is a lie!! It is a Holy Grail, and we are not going to attain it. And folks, somehow... this was freeing for me! I can stop striving (aren't we all looking for it? deep down?) for something I am never going to find.

...and it does not even make me sad to think that I won't be able to maintain an enduring state of 'happy.' No, it truly is a freeing notion. It is enough just to press on.....

The part this chapter that spoke volumes to me was in a listing of what Lisa called "humanistic quests" for happiness. Note (references will follow in bold) that each one of these quests is in search for what we call Happiness. These deceptive quests are:

1. You can make yourself happy
2. Someone you love can make you happy (this includes your precious children!)
3. Something you have or do can make you happy

Here is the gist (are you as guilty of these as I?):

1. You can make yourself happy:

• self-help (even the Bible can be manipulated as a self-help-book toward personal happiness, folks!)
• self-awareness (If I just reach a balanced state of zen, and raked pebbles, and found inner peace, I will finally remain happy...)
• self-focus (me. me. me. this one needs no explanation.)

as Lisa so crisply convicts us, "The more time you spend thinking about you, the less satisfied you are with yourself or anything else. If we look to ourselves to provide the happiness we need in life, we are barking up the wrong tree."

2. Someone you love can make you happy:

Well, friends, I related - big time - as I read this quote by Crystal Boyd:

"We convince ourselves that life will get better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we're frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We'll certainly be happy when they're out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?"

3. Something you have or do can make you happy:

Lisa hits the nail on the head, "The world's mantra insists that personal perfection can make you happy. Spend more, indulge more, and have more are seen as the golden tickets to happiness and contentment, and women [and men] are buying into them right and left. Yet for all our indulgences, we are still severely unhappy."

...flashback to Ms. Perfection, anyone??

Interestingly enough, Lisa ends this chapter with a twist. After discussing all of the ways we want happy, long for happy, search for happy, and work for happy... we finally throw happy out of the window. Why? Because happy is a mud pie - and it compares NOT with joy that we have in store.

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition, when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." - C.S. Lewis

Happy. happy here, without the very glorious presence of Christ,... is a mud pie.

Yes. Ms. Happiness is only dropping by to remind us that there is Something bigger. Something better. And He is The Only Thing Worth Walking Toward...

So, Ms. Happiness. Thank you for dropping in from time to time. Thank you for visiting. Thank you for brightening my day when you do. But I won't stand around waiting for you anymore. I have to get in and start packing my bags for my holiday at the sea....

Ms. Confidence. Ms. Poised.

This is the third week of the online bible study, Yes to God; studying the book "Behind Those Eyes," by Lisa Whittle. If you are not yet doing the study, and want to join in, click here. Even so, if you are wondering if you might be Ms. Confidence... read on....
Ms. Confidence. Lisa did a wonderful job of describing her:

"... But one thing's for sure, she [Ms. Confidence] definitely doesn't need me [her friend]. I don't really think she needs anyone, to tell you the truth."

"...it is not acceptable to show that we [Ms. Confidences] need someone when we are trying hard for people to see us as self-sufficient, strong, independent, and fearless. So we choose to portray a confident woman with it all together in order to save ourselves the pain that might come with people seeing our vulnerabilities."

and then she added another angle, by discussing the misconceptions about sexuality and confidence, which is so on target in this day of public display of just-about-anything:

"...Making decisions about your own body [and how to flaunt it] seems like the epitome of confidence. It has become a gender-empowering thing in our society to own our sexuality and form a kind of identity around doing what we want to do."

While I easily could have written a book on all the ways that I struggle as Ms. Perfection, Ms. Confidence - at least as described by Lisa above- is not really me. I know that some of my friends and family really struggle in this area - of opening up and letting others see their vulnerablity. While still struggling with a self-image of worth, I have not manifested it in this way. In fact, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and would tell you just about anything about my heart and soul and life...and, to boot, I would tell you (if it applied, of course!!) that I desperately need you and cannot live without you - ever, ever, ever. So, I was asking for a while into this chapter, do I have this Ms. Confidence struggle?

I do struggle, however, with the outward, worldly, works-way (as Lisa calls it: things-that-can-be-done) approach to my own confidence and worth. And this is where Lisa really got me! She writes:
"If a woman's confidence is dependent on her looks, what happens when she gets older and things begin to go south and wrinkle? If a woman achieves confidence in her job, then where does it go if she gets demoted or passed over for a promotion she has worked hard to get? If a woman obtains her confidence through the successes of her children, then what happens when her child goes down a destructive path...?"

Here, the lines between Ms. Perfection and Ms. Confidence blur. It is do, do, do, fix, fix, fix, perfect, perfect, perfect.... all the live-long-day. And both Ms.'s are guilty as charged.

So, according to the world, "Ms. Confidence is successfully confident as long as she wears her confident clothing, and performs to the best of her abilities."

Ding. ding. ding. we have a winner. I, definitely, resemble that comment! Maybe that is why it takes this Ms. Perfection so long to get out the door.... my confidence lies in, well... lies:

...Applying a beautiful and poised and perfect and confident mask before I walk out of the door...

sidenote: Here is where I get confused about Ms. Confidence. I will easily allow others to see that my soul is vulnerable. I don't hide my emotions. I share my life without reservation. BUT. I am very uncomfortable allowing others to see me without a confident face of makeup, perfect communication skills, put-together outfit, trim physique, and stunning home and family. Girls... that was a major TRUE CONFESSION. Lisa..., study friends..., help me out here? Is that still Ms. Confidence or just Ms. Perfection? What kind of Ms. Confidence is that? Maybe Ms. Poised?

So, if my perfection/confidence mask is a bunch of lies, what is truth? I LOVE THIS:

"We were not made to live in a completely self-reliant state, regardless of how empowering that sounds. After all, Jesus acknowledged our human weakness when he said, 'I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.' (John 15:5; emphasis [Lisa's])"

This, then is the truth! Guess I gotta shout this one:

Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Ms. Perfection. Ouch.

This is the second week of the online bible study, Yes to God; studying the book "Behind Those Eyes," by Lisa Whittle. If you are not yet doing the study, and want to join in, click here. Even so, if you have ever spent even a moment trying to be Ms. Perfection... read on....

Ms. Perfection........Yes. that was the name of chapter two.

C'mon Lisa. Have a little mercy. Did you have to put this one as chapter TWO, for crying out loud!!?! (or as my 3 year old would say, "For Pete." ....no idea where he would have gotten that sassy little expression... I am the perfect mother, after all.......). SO many things Lisa said gave me an "ouch" or an "ugh" or... trust me, you really ought to read it for yourself!!!

My husband uses this cute phrase: "I resemble that comment." (get it? a play on, 'I resent that comment'). Seems to me that we often resemble comments more than we should 'resent' them. (Comments like, "my, my. that was a bit snippy, snotty of her, wasn't it?") I resemble that comment.

If we are REAL and authentic... we would admit that the faults we see in others are usually the faults we see in ourselves.

Lord Jesus said it better,

"2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" - Matthew 7:2-4

yeah. ouch. again.

So, why Ms. Perfection?? WHY DO I WANT TO BE HER???? Because the truth is, (we are supposed to be getting real here, right?): I DO! I want to be her. I am trying to be her. I am spinning my wheels, right here: "The perfect package first needs to feel perfect in order for her to sell others on it. And it's become a full time job." You got that right, Lisa. And I have spent a lifetime perfecting the job...

Why????

sigh. this is a deep one.

yes. it goes wayyyyy back into my past. But I also allow it to reside with me today. and now, I must accept ownership of my own Ms. Perfection tendencies.

God is talking to me about this one, ladies. And He is saying it over and over and over....

2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you................. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you..............2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

I always understood this verse to mean this: when you judge others, then God will cast that same amount of judgement on you. and maybe so.

But the Holy Spirit convicted me of this, as I read Chapter 2, Ms. Perfection:

Why, exactly, do I want to be, do I strive to be, Ms. Perfection???

Could it be that I am so hard on other women, so yippy-yappy about how others are imperfect, so spiritual about others 'bad choices,' so comment-y about the mothering skills of others, so full of it....... that I actually live in bondage to my own judgements???? Could it be that 'in the same way I judge others, I assume others are judging me as harshly, and with the measure that I judge others, I must now live with the burden of thinking that others are thinking the very same thing about me...'

Let me say that again!

I must now live with the burden of thinking that others are thinking the very same judgemental garbage about me...........

no wonder I am trying to be perfect. I assume others are as judgemental as me.........

".......and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Yes to God, bible study (a little late...)

Oh, I am cracking up laughing at the title of my post tonight. God has such a sense of humor with us, does He not?? This whole week, with my 3 year old, Caleb, we have been drilling home this one concept: delayed obedience is disobedience. And then, I go and do my first week of bible study late!! hehehe. Oh dear, what are we ever going to do with you, Darlene???

First of all, I want to that Lelia for hosting this bible study, Lisa for her labor of love in writing this book, and Christy for telling me about the study. I am excited to be joining all of you!

I have to say, it was the subheading of this book that compelled me most: "What's really going on inside the souls of women." If you are anything like me, you join in on the shaking-of-heads that most men do when they gripe, 'you never really know what a woman is thinking.' So, I admit it! A lot of times, I don't KNOW what I am thinking either. It is just a mess up there, in that brain of mine!

First of all, as women especially, we believe a huge, highly oversold, batch of lies about ourselves. I am not exempt! For sure!! I am at war with the very things that go on inside of my own head!!I am led to think of the verse:

Ephesians 6:12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

What does this have to do with authenticity? Well, I believe that until we can muck through the mess in our own heads, until we even know and rest in our TRUE identity (and that is our identity in Christ, friends!!!), we will not have the confidence or clarity to be authentic!

Lisa writes, about why we put on false charades, that "We lack honesty and authenticity, and our past experiences lead us to believe it is in our best interests to keep our true feelings hidden." So true! And I think that our past experiences also lead us to believe that we are something we are not! We believe we have so much to hide: No one can know that I am not perfect. No one can know that I am not a perfect multitasker. No one can know that I am not the perfect mother. No one can know that I am not a perfect Christian. No one can know that I am not good enough......

Yes, we 'lie' to others. We put on a charade with others. We act all-put-together with others.

But, we also lie to ourselves when we believe we are something we are not! When we, deep down, believe we are worthless (a lie! Our worth rests securely in Christ)... or we are not 'perfect' enough (this was never ours to achieve! Philippians 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.). When we buy satans lies.... hook, line, and sinker...

As I begin this study on authenticity, I must confess... my struggle is not with speaking the truth, or being forthright. I can wholeheartedly agree with Lisa as she wrote "Of all the many shortcomings I have, I do not struggle often with saying what I feel. (Sometimes that is the problem!) I tend to be honest, if not a bit blunt sometimes." I am right there with ya, girl!

But where I do struggle is this,

I don't believe God's truths about me....

and that pulls me away from true authenticity.

Motherhood and... (shhh. don't tell anyone)... ME!

This Tuesday we had a guest speaker at MOPS; Kate Harris. She was wonderful. She put into words (quite eloquent words, I might add) how I was feeling about the inner struggle that exists when your vocation is Motherhood. Please! Set aside some time, when you have a few moments to absorb her words, and come back to this post to click on this link to an article that she wrote, entitled "Motherhood as Vocation". It resonates!!!

I have shared a few of my thoughts on mommy-ing, and it is easy to see that I struggle, from time to time, just like most stay-at-home moms. To be honest, I have only a few people in my life that can even understand where I am on my journey right now. So, there are not too many peeps I can bounce my thoughts off of. I suppose that is true for most of us. So, it has helped me to blog my heart....

Here are some of my thoughts on the topic:

from this post,"Works for Me":

I am telling you, for those of you who are not mommies, this job is NOT for wimps. I have to give an extra special shout-out of encouragement to those mommas who are doing the full-time mommy job of staying home with your children. I cannot tell a lie: I think stay-at-home moms (also known as never-at-home-mostly-in-the-car moms) ROCK. I think they are women with more guts than brains (haha, just kidding. I do wonder what I am thinking sometimes... it seems as though going to work would be a lot easier). I also think they are CHANGING THE WORLD, one tiring day at a time!!!!!!

from this post,"Dangerous Surrender (Chapter 2)":

I had my 6 month old baby boy (Christian) in one arm, and Kay's compelling book in the other. As I read about leaving my comfort zone and surrendering to God and dropping everything, Christian puked all over my brand new book!! God said to me, in that moment: "Whoaaaaa, girl. Your time is coming... sweet daughter. For now: wipe up the puke!!!"So..... I guess God got very precise in telling me what my current purpose is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from this post,"Just plain-old Surrendered":

Truth be told, I keep hearing God tell me to stay put. To surrender to the current task of dying-daily to self. Dying-daily to my husband. Dying-daily to my babies. This is where I am for a while...and not only that, I don't want to forsake being here!! I KNOW that God wants me out of my comfort zone, but I believe He wants my children IN this comfort zone for a while. Not teaching them that STUFF is where it is at, but just taking care of them and protecting them while they are babies, and pouring myself into THEM.

And, especially relevant to this current post, one from this post,"Closet Artist":

I am sharing this post because my [creative] ideas are about to
drive me crazy. I have so many of them. But I just don't have the time and/or money and/or motivation to create. This has become more of an issue since this is the first time in my life that I do not have a constant creative outlet. Sometimes I feel like I am busting at the seams to create - but I am JUST TOO TIRED. Anyone hearing me on this one?? Part of being a mommy to little little ones, maybe.

Sooooo. All of this to say....

After hearing Kate Harris speak, and pondering the thoughts of "planting seeds" of purpose, in order to sustain my own giftedness (which is from God in the first place, and to be used to His glory!)...

I planted a seed for me:

The "little room," Before.

Our home has been under renovation for the past 2 years. We are finally at a pause (we will never be DONE!). This room is on the 3rd floor of our 1850's farmhouse. It is teeny-tiny, super cute, and is one of my favorite rooms in the house. Until last night, it was essentially filled with construction trash, HVAC trash, dusty baby toys, and, um, DUST! The "before" pics that you see above are actually a bit kinder than what I started with last night (with the exception of the refinished soft-pine floors. We did that a month after closing). So, basically, this room sat empty.

Why??

Well, I struggle with perfectionism. Not always the good kind. Often, the parylizing kind. If I can't do it perfectly... I don't do it at all. Hence, the many unpainted, uncleaned, empty rooms in my home. I know. I know. Just being honest, folks.

But!! To HECK with it all!!!!! I need a place to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May I introduce:

My art studio

complete with a bible study corner!!! I love that ratty, ugly chair. It is sooo comfy. Can't afford to recover. Hate most slipcovers (forgive me, slipcover fans!!). I am so excited about this!!!!!!! Check out the basket, for bible, books, studies, and tissues (of course). Coffee will finally get all the respect it deserves, on the cute table that was 'hold-up' in my basement.

Oh, and one more thing....

No precious, adorable, cuter-than-pie, sweet-smelling, lovable, darling children allowed.

An extra five hours

Exhale.....

well. We made it through the first week of preschool and a weekend-away for Labor day. Life has surely been busy as we regroup for the Fall. I have been pouring my energies into helping Caleb transition into his two mornings away from mommy. I am so proud of him! I can already see some big changes in him (*sniff*). He has so many wonderful things to say about preschool, and I just love his teacher and their daily activities. Also, I have been prepping up for a few other regular Fall activities.

Now that we are nearing the end of week two, I find myself thinking.... maybe there IS just a little bit of time for me??? And I gotta be frank. I can only say one thing: "woooohooooo."

So, I already have BIG plans for my extra 5 hours each week. Here they are:

1. Spend some special alone time with Christian. We just have not had much of this, and I am so excited to get to know my little guy in new ways. Just Christian Jacob and Mommy Time!
2. Finally!! Resume doing Beth Moore studies. The workbooks were just out of the question for a little while. I am so excited to meet up with my Jesus on a REGULAR, deep, intentional basis.
3. As soon as Christian wakes up from his morning nap (usually 2 hours) - off to the park together. I am going to (you heard it here first) JOG!!!!! I am putting that overpriced jogging stroller to use, and shaving off a little bit of my bottom in the process. I actually went on Wednesday, and it was wonderful! And the park is just moments away from Caleb's preschool.

That is it! But those 3 things sound like SUCH music to my ears. In fact, as I jogged around on Wednesday, I couldn't help but think how easy it is to become out of balance. That jog was actually the first thing I had done just for me....... in a long time.

Coming out of the Fog

The time has come for another True Confessions post. This post includes a few more disclaimers than usual. It contains touchy subjects that are open to LOTS of opinions. Please hear my voice and heart in this, as I chose to share this very difficult matter in hopes that God can use my sadness to the Glory of His better and higher Good.

The Fog.

Depression? Post-partum? Hormones?

Whatever the case, I have NOT been myself since I became pregnant with Christian, a year and a half ago!!! I know that it is very normal for women to struggle with their lives and emotions, as they adjust to a new member of the family (for me, becoming a mommy of two)...There are major life changes, shifts in responsibilites, sibling adjustments, hormonal changes, lack of sleep. Even so, I knew that 'something was not quite right.'

Could it be depression? Could it be post-partum? I know there are A LOT of opinions out there on this one (please, I ask that commenters refrain from medically diagnosing me via blog commenting, hehe. but please feel free to share your own experiences).....but the point of this post is to share my own experience. From my eyes. And in hopes that, maybe, it could help someone else.

I struggled with a depression, or typical depression symptoms, during both of my pregnancies. I got/get very little feedback from anyone about this (friends, Doctors, etc.), and I am not even sure if pregnancy depression even exists. I don't know anyone else who has experienced this. But, I WAS NOT a happy pregnant lady. Either time!!!! It is just that with Caleb (#1), the depression vanished immediately after birth. With Christian (#2)... it got worse. I basically entered into a fog..........

I have not posted much about this fog, with the exception of this post. I just figured that all women must go through this stuff, and I often figure nobody wants to hear about it. But there is a twist to my story, and maybe you are the one who was meant to read this....

The twist is this:

At this point, with the exception of the pregnancy-onset-depression that I experienced with both boys, I am fairly certain that the cause for my depression and intense mood swings was my birth control. I was using the Mirena, a modern IUD device that also releases hormones. I had it removed a month ago, ... and I am glad that I did.

There are two points I want to share in this True Confession. One is, the way I was feeling - in case you are feeling that way too. Two is, how this 'miracle birth control' was pushed on me - because it just makes me wonder.

How I felt

(The following 'feelings' are out of character for me)

Well, in a word: I felt hormonal!! I was very, very moody. I was not interested in maintaining relationships, at all. I was very, very, easily stressed out. I snapped at my loved ones... a lot! I degraded my husband (I have NEVER done this before; I don't believe in ever saying anything below-the-belt to or about your spouse). I viewed Christian, my sweet, sweet baby boy, as a burden. I wanted nothing to do with my faith, Jesus, or church...and just went through the motionsI cried on some days, but for the most part, I was cold and disconnected - uncrying. I wallowed in self-pity. I felt out of control of my emotions. I was being a real, .....well, you know.

As I described to someone, "It is not like, 'I don't feel like getting out of bed'... it is more like, 'no one WANTS me to get out of bed.'"

How the Mirena was pushed on me

I chose to go on the Mirena. I received information from the doctors. I looked into it a little bit more (I read the information I was given, plus a little more online). Then, I decided to give it a try.

Even still, I have an uneasy feeling that the Doctors really wanted me to love this thing, be on this thing, and sign up now.

When I was in RECOVERY (!!!!!) for labor and delivery (yes, I am telling the truth!!), I had a Dr. from my OB/GYN come into my room and give me and my husband a compelling, um, 'sales pitch' for the Mirena. It was nothing short of a power-point presentation about how this dream device was going to be the perfect solution to all of my birth control needs. Nursing, fine. Side effects, hardly. Effortless, yesiree. Painless, yep. The only problem? About 10% reject it, and it leaves the body. This is how it was presented.

and then?? they asked me right then and there if I wanted to sign up for an appointment to have it inserted at 6 weeks postpartum.

I received THREE follow up phone calls to see if I wanted to 'sign up' for an appointment; one was after I had already signed up.

ok. so, that was the before. It was clear that my Dr.'s office was excited about this Mirena thing. I still had reservations... including crying in the office the day of insertion because I thought it would be causing mini-miscarriages. My concerns were dismissed, and I was told this is not so. Even still, my biggest beef with my provider came the day I scheduled an appointment to discuss: Possible Post-Partum Depression

What happened next IS the part that makes me angry. I will just sum it up for you. After a tearful appointment, where I shared exactly how I felt, shared my concerns connected to the Mirena, shared my belief that it was a "hormonal" feeling, and took a quiz for post-partum...the provider looked at me and said, 4 times: "It is NOT the Mirena.".... as I sat there and cried....

Here is most of what I was told: "I think you suffer from depression. I am not even sure that it is post-artum. If you really want to have the Mirena removed, we can do that for you. But, that is not the problem. The dosage of hormones is not enough to cause depression. I would hate to see you lose out on a very good form of birth-control, just to find out in a month that that was not it. I would recommend getting some time away from your children. You may want to try counseling. Here is a prescription for the lowest dose of Zoloft. If you decide to take the Zoloft, I need to see you back in 6 weeks. Call the office, if that is what you decide."

I know. I get furious thinking about that day.

I immediately called a sitter, and arranged to go on a date with my husband. My wonderful husband was upset at what I was told, and wanted to rule out the Mirena. Sounds logical, right? He was particularly angered by the notion, "I would hate to see you lose out on a very good form of birth-control..." He said to me (like the knight-in-shining-armor he is), " I would hate to see you lose out on a very good life just to have this birth-control." You rock, Matt.

That evening I scoured the internet for more info on the Mirena. One of the most common side effects: depression. Yes, I know that is a side effect for many many drugs... but the fact that it was not even explored at my doctor's visit.................

I decided: The Mirena must go.

***(please note. This is also NOT meant to be a Doctor-bashing post [although I am seriously considering leaving my practice for another], or a traditional-medicine bashing post. Please keep in mind, that when we bash Doctors, we forget about most of them - who offer their very best, love their patients, and give up A LOT of their free time to be on call for their calling. They also believe in what they do, even as the world expects them to have all the answers, as if they were God Himself.)

How it Ends

Well, on to the end of this story. The Mirena has been out for one month. All I have to say is: I am me again. And I have never been so grateful that PMS only lasts 3 days, in normal Darlene-style. How do I explain the change?? Well, If you are one of my blog readers who also knows me personally, I could sum it up this way: I feel like wearing makeup again!! (I have worn makeup every day, religiously, since I was first allowed to do so in 7th grade). I haven't wanted to decorate, wear makeup, buy cute clothes for my kids..... in months!! I know. sound the alarms. But I am ME again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most wonderful change that has occured is in the continued bonding with Christian, and in the calm, less-stress mood of our home. I am having to do a lot of relationship rebuilding. And I will never get the last 10 months back........ but I am grateful to be out of the fog.

Keeping it Real

So, I just had a friend email me about my post, "What works for me".

She (who is a very cool chick, indeed) said "wow, you are so organized. That is great......Anyway, kudos to your super organized self." HAHAHA. I just HAD to laugh.

The Truth??
Not so great.
We are all messed up, and quirky, and not perfect, and muddling through this thing. Each in our own little way.

The deceptive thing about blogging is this:
You can always put your best foot forward.

Believe me. I have not yet shown you much of my, um, not-so-best-foot. Why? Because I don't have to, and it is easy to hide (not just in the blog world)! Because I don't have to share my space with you, or serve you, or bring you a drink when I am trying to type. Because you don't interrupt me!!!!! Because it is ooooh-so-easy to just show you the wonderful things in my life!

So, I showed you "what works for me," and yet... you did not see:

"what doesn't work for me,

but I continue to do it over and over and over and over again!!!!"

Like: not working out, even though it makes me feel great, and helps me battle depression. The fact that I still avoid doing it: That doesn't work for me. (I am avoiding it right now!)

Like: I ALWAYS speak before I think. Gets me in lots of trouble. That doesn't really work too well.

Like: When I tell my children they 'drive me crazy'. I know. not good.

Like: Sometimes, I organize my house instead of stopping, breathing, and having fun. That does not work for me. Balance, my dears, balance!!

Like: I have a crappy, crappy self-image that borders on self-idolatry. (Thank you Beth Moore, for your wake up call in this area). Doesn't really work.

Like............... the list of REAL could go on.

The cool thing is: that is how each and every blogger, no, HUMAN, is Imperfect! Thank you, Jesus, for the loving friends (especially my hubby!) in my life who are willing to love me even still!

I LOVE THIS SCRIPTURE: you can take this one to the bank, folks:
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." - Phillipians 3:12

What does God tell us?
Not that we have it all figured out! Not that we are perfect!
BUT!!! We are going in the right direction!! If we press on toward Christ, we are pressing on toward the ONLY THING WORTH WALKING TOWARD.
As long as we press on toward Christ!

Now, that works for me!

Atheism, part two

"I once was lost, but now am found."

Welcome to part two of this "little bit of my testimony". I began my story here.

* * * * *

I was actively raised as an atheist. My parents believed that there was no God, and I was taught through example to believe the same. God is just a fabrication from man, created to appease our fears. The bible is not true. And, mankind does not need a God.

Of course, we never attended a church. We had no Christmas, or even a Christmas tree. We opened presents on the Winter Solstice, the first day of winter. My parents told me that the bible was a very good story, with very sound moral lessons, if I ever wanted some great reading. I was taught about “the separation of church and state,” and how important this was to my rights. I practiced my right and did not say “one nation under God” as our class would recite the pledge of allegiance. As my pets, and even my grandparents, died…I was never told that they went to heaven. Heaven simply did not exist.

Believe it or not, Growing up with these beliefs was mostly not difficult or trying. You follow what you know when you are a child. And what may be surprising to some is that our family taught us very strong morals. We were not to lie, cheat, or steal. We were to respect others and follow the rules. We were to become educated, do well in school, and go to college. We were to think of others and be giving.

I do remember being somewhat embarrassed that we were different, but maybe I just longed to have a Christmas tree. Because from what I saw of Christians; they didn’t have it any better than me. Most of them did not smile more than me; many didn’t go to church anyway; they certainly complained about everything the same way my family did; they didn’t even talk about God, so He must not be that big of a deal. The only people I ever heard talk about God, or say the word Jesus, were televangelists (New Jersey could use a few loving missionaries, people.)! From what I saw of Christianity, I wasn’t missing anything.

Soon, what little embarrassment I had over being different, turned into a passionate defiance. I embraced my atheistic beliefs. If I was to be different, then I was going to let everyone know that I not only had the right to believe this way, but that I believed the right thing. As I left for college, I was sure that I had figured it all out, and I was sure about the fact that there was no God. I debated with friends, telling them that they were just imagining God, and using the idea of Him to make themselves feel better about death. I argued any evidence of God’s existence, and I could answer any challenge to my ideas. I was prepared to prove my case.

But God had bigger plans for me.

And God loves me.

Learning about God’s love continues to be a journey, and the more I get to know my God, the more passionate I am about his love. You see, God picked me. I was working against God, not for him, and yet he picked me. God even wooed me. I like to describe it as “God did cartwheels for me.”................

to be continued.

I look forward to sharing with you how God moved in my life, in order to woo me to him. Please let me know if you have any questions, as the only reason why I share this information would be to bless another life to His service and glory.

Getting Real and True Confessions

My blog buddy Angel has laid out an interesting, and very cool challenge. I really love the points that she has raised, and I feel a calling to them myself. In fact, in my first "True Confessions" post, I shared why on earth I would want to honestly, truthfully bare my soul to others:

"OK, all that said, I am willing to share my True Confessions.
Why? For only one reason: To the Glory of God.
It is the only reason to do ANYTHING, frankly. And if a struggle
in my life can bless or help a struggle in your life, with Christ directing it
all... then Glory be to His Name! Blog buddies, please share your comments if
you can relate to my True Confessions. Maybe God will use YOU in a MIGHTY
WAY!!!!!!!!"

"encourage one another, and build each other up..." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I find it so encouraging when a friend shares a True Confession. I feel like I am not alone. I know that I am not walking this crazy path all by myself. So, thanks Angel, for your battlecry of "GET REAL!" Anything else is, well, ... false. Jesus knows our hearts anyway. If He can see EVERYTHING inside this ugly soul, and yet He loves me, who have I to fear?? Mere Man?

Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Romans 8:31 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

I just want to encourage you, my friends! If you are not in the "habit" of Getting Real, or sharing True Confessions from your own life.... Start with baby steps! You don't have to throw your dustiest skeleton out of your closet and onto cyberspace. No, God will prepare you and give you the strenth that you need for each "thing" He is calling out into the Light.

Try something little... like, maybe you are not the only Christian woman out there who likes to show a little cleavage from time to time... (I have NO idea where that came from!). Or, maybe, you lose your cool, like EVERYDAY, with your strong-willed-child... and you are not alone (still, NO idea.).

I encourage you to hop over to this awesome "Get Real" post of Angel's. I am telling you, sweet friend. You are NOT alone.

I will be continuing to post more True Confessions, as God calls me to purge. Please go to the Label links in my sidebar, and you can click on True Confessions to read them all. More to come!!!

Atheism

I continue to hear God calling me to use this blog, as with all gifts that he has given to me, to His glory.

I know that God wastes nothing, and that all of our lives' experiences, good and bad, can be brought in submission before His throne of grace. He will use it all, if we are but willing. This is such a beautiful thing about our God... how He wastes nothing!

I am thrilled to be blogging. I have to tell you that I continue to ask God why I should blog at all. Let's be real. It takes a lot of time! It can be addicting (in that fun way!). It can become a self-challenge, or even a competition - (trying to get numbers up, or trying to get more dots on your map). And it can even serve as an unhealthy distraction (I am speaking firsthand here...avoid dishes, avoid workouts, avoid life and 'living the thing'). Soooo.... I am trying to keep this blog-stuff healthy. And, I am trying to serve God.

O.K. so, all this to say: I feel God telling me to continue with sharing True Confessions, as we can all help one another by keeping things real around here! But I also feel the prompting to share some info about my own faith. I do this only so that others can be pointed to God and His grace.

So, about my faith....It is kind of an interesting fact about me, and that is: I was "born and raised" an atheist.

With upmost respect for my wonderful family, I first want to dive in and say that as I share this information, I will not be sharing specific details about my family. I will say this: I was raised in a loving home that had values, and I knew that I was loved. We were not perfect, and we had bumps in our road. But there was love and sacrifice and togetherness - all that stuff that makes a family, well, family.

I will share facts about me. And I will share about my own salvation story, or testimony, or whatever you want to call the point of Grace. I will be writing future posts about this, based especially on questions I receive.

So........ there it is: I was "born and raised" an atheist. And now I am a Christian.
Any questions?