Tuesday, June 3, 2008

True Confessions

Hi friends!

I have an idea, and who knows how faithful I will be to it, but I think I am going to start sharing some "True Confessions" with my blogger buddies.

Now, I am one of those people who lives my life - for the most part - like an open book. I don't get embarrassed too easily, and I don't feel as though I have much to hide. I love to discover that another soul on this journey is going through the same things that I am going through. I also do not struggle with shame too much in my spiritual walk. Let me be VERY clear: 1. I have, like almost everyone, plenty of things that could carry the burden of shame into my conscience. I am a sinner - just like the rest!! Maybe even worse than the rest, if God rated such things. It is only by the grace of God that I do not hang my head in shame. 2. I struggle with many, many other hangups/strongholds. Shame just does not happen to be one of them. I daily seek God and the Holy Spirit to free me from other strongholds.

OK, all that said, I am willing to share my True Confessions. Why? For only one reason:
To the Glory of God.
It is the only reason to do ANYTHING, frankly. And if a struggle in my life can bless or help a struggle in your life, with Christ directing it all... then Glory be to His Name!

Blog buddies, please share your comments if you can relate to my True Confessions. Maybe God will use YOU in a MIGHTY WAY!!!!!!!!
"encourage one another, and build each other up..." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11
so........here goes:


True Confession: I really, really struggled to bond with Christian, my second born son. But today, June 3, 2008, a lightbulb turned on in my heart. I am filled with joy, finally, at the very sight of him. And it is a bittersweet joy, tinged with heavy, guilty sadness over missing this feeling the past 7 months of his life.

In case you are a mom who is struggling with bonding, maybe God can use my post to give you some hope.

First of all, I am and was helplessly in love with my firstborn son Caleb. I was so fearful that my second born would take my attention away from Caleb, and I was right! I couldn't love and adore and dote on Caleb in the same way after Christian was born. And this was like a death to me. I will never forget holding Caleb in my arms 4 days after Christian's birth, and we both wept bitterly, holding one another for 20 minutes. We both knew that everything had changed. Slowly, but surely, we are discovering that NOTHING has changed that really mattered. But it has taken us a long, long 6-7 months to get there.

Secondly, I viewed Christian for so long as "one more thing to do." I tended constantly to his physical needs, as I tended to Caleb's intense emotional needs, and I had NOTHING left at the end of the day. Finally, This is changing. How quickly I had forgotten how everything improves around 6 months of age, especially if you are a breastfeeding mom. I am no longer the human cow.

Lastly, I had postpartum depression, AND, partum depression (is that even a term?). I struggled with depression since I found out I was pregnant last February 2007. It even sneaks in and out of my soul from time to time, but it is sooooooo much better. SOOO much. Thank you God! I do not miss that darkness. Thank you to my friends who encouraged me through this time! If you struggle with this: reach out! Reach out in the way that feels best to you, but REACH OUT! Whine, and moan, etc. Your real friends will love you through it, and it won't be a bother to them. DO NOT be ashamed!!!!!!!

So, my final thoughts on this true confession are these:

  • It feels soooooo good to be finally adoring my baby. And I could NOT make it happen. It just had to happen (at risk of sounding cliche) naturally. And it DID! it DID. Take heart.

  • Also, turn it over to God, of course! I read the Psalms a lot, and David's forthright complaints, moans, and struggles met me right where I was. God used them mightily. I also prayed a lot, and moaned to God a lot!!!!!! You know. Feminine moaning. You know what I mean, don't you??!! (otherwise known as the B word)

But, the greatest of these is Love! God will give you the love that you need, so you can love your little one!

2 friends had a thing or two to say...:

Tessa said...

Praise God! And thanks for sharing your struggles with us. There is something so freeing about writing it down and sharing it. I had the "baby blues" after I gave birth to Jonah, and I know what a struggle that was ... so I can only imagine what you have been going through. I am so happy for you that those days are over!

Billie said...

i am so glad to hear that you are finally coming through. i feel badly because i should have followed up more with you. you actually seemed so much more like yourself this week when i saw you...i was worried for you in february...i wanted the ol' sparky darlene...and now she's back!